Saturday, March 1, 2008

Lost Gem of the Moment: Food Fighters! (Courtesy of

As promised -- from's list of "The Five Most Ill-Conceived Action Figures," it's ... Food Fighters (coming in at No. 4...):

What probably started as a slightly clever play on words that should have never made it as far as a toy designers' self-congratulatory smile exploded into a full-on line aimed at the portly, but purchased by all. They must have figured that America's rotund youth would happily go on magical adventures with anthropomorphic hot dogs and donuts while their more athletic peers played outside.

"Combat at its kookiest!" was Mattel's tag line for the toys, but the figures actually came with little plastic guns to shoot each other with. So it wasn't a situation where Major Munch (the donut) was squirting wacky cream filling at Private Pizza. No, the implied combat was done with real bullets. The victims merely looked kooky, which does not make the combat itself "kooky" under modern rules of warfare.

Mean Weener (a sad little fellow with a dripping frankfurter hanging loose from his lips) seems to realize the tragedy of their situation.

"Taco Terror" has seized on his role as warrior and meets the enemy with a scowl, unaware that his tiny helmet is protecting nothing, and only a layer of shredded cheese is protecting his guts from Weener's .45 caliber hollow points.

Worst Toy in the Line:

The rest of the figures sport Taco's crazed, wide-eyed expression of war-time rage, with the exception of Sergeant Scoop. A half-melted chocolate and vanilla ice cream cone that, judging by his googly eyes and retard smile, was drafted into this war of dinnertime dominance straight out of his "special care" institution.

One can venture to guess that if there were to be a big budget Hollywood adaptation of "Food Fighters" Sergeant Scoop would be the dim-witted, yet lovable solider that we grow attached to only to watch him melt away in a hot fryer grease explosion. The Bugerdier General (a hamburger with arms and legs... duh) would assume a grim voice and say--in voice-over: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you slurp you cone!" Actual words from Scoop's packaging.

(Image and text courtesy of To read the entire feature on awesomely bad toys, direct your browser to

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