Today's Moment of Zen: Mark Lindquist's legal disclaimer

In honor of Mark Lindquist's new blog -- which, according to the man himself, collects all his humor columns from the Ripsaw, Transistor, High Plains Drifter, etc. -- I've decided to "lift" his entire legal disclaimer (for your enjoyment, of course) because it explicitly said not to.

Anyway, here's to my next lawsuit!

Legal Disclaimer

All rights reserved. No part of this column may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in positive only reviews, fond criticism, or a ranking system involving giving out at least four of five stars or “two thumbs up.”

The humor contained in this column is protected under the copyright laws of the United States and other countries. Yes, we’re looking at you, China. It is intended for home use only, that is, if you live in a home. If you don’t have a home, then you probably shouldn’t be wasting your time and money on this stuff to begin with, should you?

Any copying or public performance is strictly prohibited and may subject the offender severe criminal penalties of our choosing such as washing that cat smell out of the carpet on the stairs, and not limited to getting back that twenty dollars Earl still owes us. If the said offender is young and female, she’s going to get such a spanking under Copyright Law; Title 17; US Code 501 and 506.

This column has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this page. But boy, you should have seen it in its original version. It was amazing!

Any reading aloud of this column may be recorded to ensure you don’t read it sarcastically or in that voice you use when you make fun of people. Also, the information contained in this column may not be disclosed to others that may share in your sarcastic views, you cynical bastard.

All characters and places in this column are fictional, and any resemblances to those living or dead are purely coincidental. So don’t get your panties all up in a bundle. You’re not the only person who does those things.

All reasonable precautions have been taken to ensure that no viruses are present in this column. The authors do not assume liability for any viruses or errors contained herein. But just between us, if you get a small rash next to your navel after reading this, consult a dermatologist immediately. And don’t scratch it or it will spread to your genitals and face…trust us on this one.

This column is valid for thirty days after reading. It may be returned at any time within said thirty days for equal exchange with receipt only. What’s that? You don’t have a receipt? Then screw you. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

This column is to be used for entertainment purposes only…unlike astrology, which you should literally base your entire existence on. If today is your birthday: This is the year to seek out others from your past to lend a helping hand (i.e.: sending us twenty bucks or washing that cat smell out of the carpet on the stairs).

The views expressed in this column are solely those of the authors and do not represent the opinions of the publishers or advertisers except for idea that the downfall of this great country started the day women were allowed to vote. That opinion, we definitely share.

If you have received this column in error, please contact the authors and delete from your memory by looking at this watch swinging slowly back and forth. Yes, that’s it, sleep…sleep.